


Lassiter's Observation and Plan

by Otava



Category: Psych
Genre: Embarrassment, Evil Plans, M/M, Surprise Kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2014-12-03
Packaged: 2018-02-27 23:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2710187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Otava/pseuds/Otava
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lassiter is tired of Shawn, so he thinks up a "surefire" way to get him out of his hair forever.<br/>Will his plan work?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lassiter's Observation and Plan

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this on a 10 hour plane flight. They were playing Psych on the televisions and I thought that it would be appropriate to write a little story about Lassie and Shawn after it was over. I know there is a big problem with the grammar and story but yeah... I keep on trying to edit this every so often but it just get worse the more I do so. Yeah....please don't take this that seriously.

Lassiter sat at his desk at the Santa Barbara police station. It was a slow day, and he had been working on a huge pile of paperwork almost all of it. The monotonous work caused his mind to wander into a sad state of self pity. It was only natural for this to happen after such a day. Thoughts flew out into his consciousness in an spew of disappointment and lost aspirations. He had been working at the station building almost half his life now and that was ok, he liked his job. The position he held was even relatively good for his age, although not his life goal. Everything he did was in hopes of trying to prove himself as a good candidate for the next chief. He was perfect for the job. He was always at the top of his game, he proved his worth over and over again, out-shining his fellow cop-competition by a considerable amount. He was working his way up to the top with virtually nothing in his way; that was until he met Shawn Spencer. 

Shawn, he thought, had been the main cause of his downfall in the department; he had concluded this almost as soon as he met that punk bastard. Shawn always beat him to the punch and made him look like an incompetent cop in almost every case they were both involved in. Lassiter was always trying be the superior man and investigator when it came to the various cases they would work on, but he always got shown up by the civilian hooligan. It was humiliating and upsetting. What use were detectives and the police department if crimes could be solved by using one crazed man-child and his pharmaceutical salesman sidekick? He was just mocking him and the department constantly for just existing! Yes, Shawn was the source of all the problems that happened in his life and at work, Lassiter concluded.

Lunch break would start in 6 minutes, so Lassiter thought about packing up his papers neatly so he would remember where he left off when he got back to his desk. Just when he started paperclipping the first of his papers however, he saw the familiar tuft of pointy, brown hair belonging to Shawn Spencer pass by the window. It was like a shark’s fin circling him ready for a kill. Lassiter lowly growled "Spencer," as the man himself walked in with his sidekick Burton Guster, both with smiley faces. From then on, Lassiter's day would all go downhill fast. And that’s when it happened: Lassiter had accidentally locked eyes with Shawn whilst angrily glaring at him.

As soon as Shawn spotted Lassiter, he skipped towards him at full speed and stopped inches away from his face, clearly trying to invoke anger upon him.

“Hellloooooo, Lassie,” Shawn sang in a playful tone

"What do you want Spencer!?" 

"I just wanted to say 'hello,' to my favorite middle-aged male detective." Shawn said sarcastically. "Hello." he said again with a little wave. Gus gave him a nod.

Lassiter knew the real reason why they were there, they were always there for the same reason: they were here looking work. Psych, Lassiter guessed, probably hadn’t been doing that well lately. It was either that reason, or Shawn just really wanted to bug him. Lassiter hoped it was the former. "There hasn't been any murders or high profile cases in awhile,” he responded. “So just get your pretty little ass out that door and leave!" Lassiter said in an irritated tone, trying to get his point across, without trying to get into an actual conversation.

"Aww. You think my ass is pretty?" asked Shawn.

Lassiter was 100% done at this point. Nope. He was not going to deal with this shit. Not from Shawn, not today. He decided he couldn't tolerate Shawn at all anymore. 

Lassiter physically faced-palmed himself. He was flooded with both anxiety and irritation and it was building to dangerous levels. His hands made their way to his face as he tried to compose himself. About 30 seconds later he peeked from between his fingers and Shawn and Gus were still there. His anger continued to dangerously boil. Lassiter thought that Shawn would never go away. He would either have to shoot Shawn and get locked up or try to get Shawn to back off from him and stay away forever. Shawn continued to talk circles around him as he contemplated. The first option was actually seeming better at this point, but Carlton didn't want to risk his precious freedom and job in order to get long awaited peace and quiet. The second option would have to do, even though he didn't know where to start.

How could he get Shawn to leave him alone? The wheels in his head began to turn, he had to do something soon. Shawn babbled on. To get this man away from him he would have to do something out of character, foolish and nonsensical but to the point. Something that would scare and hurt Shawn Spencer so much that he wouldn't dare look at him again. He also also had to do so without getting angry and without yelling because Shawn always had a smug comeback no matter how loud he got. Shawn even just blocked him out sometimes, probably accustomed to the yelling.

Suddenly, Lassiter got an idea. It was rash ,stupid, disgusting and certainly out of character for him but it was something he was sure Shawn would most definitely be against. It would be effective. He would finally win the endless mind game between him and his opponent by bestowing the biggest mindfuck to his opposition ever: he would kiss Shawn Spencer.

In the background, Shawn was talking and making various animal sounds and gestures with Gus for some reason. He shouldn't do anything with Gus around, Lassiter reasoned with himself. Guster was at least a tolerable and had some manners. He would have to wait to put his plans into action later, if all possible. "Patience Carlton", he said to himself as he walked past the two men, hoping to wait as long as he could without actually following through with his horrible plan.

He got out of the station with his sanity in tact. Hopefully some lunch would help him think of a better plan and calm down some more. Walking briskly down Santa Barbara's sunny street, he managed to keep composed, until he heard the following.

"Lassie!" It was Shawn and Gus, chasing after him on his precious lunch break."We're very useful men. Use us, we need to eat!" Shawn whined. "Please, Sir." He said in a British accent. "We need a job." They both gave him puppy dog eyes and half kneeled to the ground. They had no shame.

Lassiter decided he wouldn't have any shame either for once. "Yes, Spencer", he said as he exhibited his own cocky grin and placed his hand on Shawn's shoulder in a slightly sensual way. "You can be of use to me." His face got really close to Shawn's in hopes of scaring the man away. These actions had not scared Shawn as much as Lassiter had expected, but he still got a small twitch of fear as a reply as well as a confused and uncomfortable look. 

"Uh-ok Lassie, anything you need, I'm here for ya!" Shawn said, as he politely removed Lassiter's hand from his shoulder.

Carlton gripped the younger man on the hip next , asserting himself and his intentions upon the younger man. At this point Gus was giving Lassiter a strange and confused look and backed away.

"Look Spencer," Lassiter said. "This is your last warning." His mouth was inches away from Shawn's. "Back off and stay away from me," he breathed.

Shawn squinted and said "About that job..."

Lassiter gave one more warning glance, but Shawn didn't budge. He would have to do it. Lassiter kissed him and held on. Shawn did too however. Lassiter soon got the hint that Shawn would not be backing off when he felt his slimey tongue push at his lips. Lassiter shoved Shawn off in a panic. "What the hell, Spencer!" He spit and wiped at his mouth in disgust.

"I thought-," Shawn began.

"No!" Lassiter yelled. "Just no!" He ran away defeated and blushing.

Gus just stood there looking as Lassiter hurrying off to cut off his mouth and his friend who seemed unphased."What was that about?"

"Dunno," Shawn said. "That guy is totally messed up. He has been staring at me all day. I kinda expected that when he got all close and stuff. I just wanted to see how far he would go and what he was up to. I think I freaked him out a bit when I started messing with him back. I guess this wasn't a game to him."

"That man needs Jesus," Gus said.

"Totally."

The pair walked off to the station so that they could go bother O'Hara for some money.


End file.
